Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
