i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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