I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
