The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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