We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
