I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
third nipple confirmed
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Randomize
