ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
