my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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