I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
