god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
