Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
