We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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