We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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