Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
