There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
