This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
