my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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