Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
