I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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