Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
