i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
