I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
