well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
