like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
