the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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