Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
