I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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