I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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