Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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