I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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