you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
