I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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