That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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