cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So many bounce houses so little time
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
