yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
