I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
