Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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