Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
