I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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