found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
