who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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