i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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