Im at strip club and am horny
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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