I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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