Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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