I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
