im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
