he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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