Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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