My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
