I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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